I woke up this morning, and I did not feel like praying. I didn’t wake up with a joyful song in my heart, I didn’t wake up excited to see a new day. I woke up tired, sad, overwhelmed and confused. In cliche terms, I woke up with a bleeding heart…I felt heavy. It carried on for most of the day. I wanted to be in His presence, I desired His touch…but I didn’t have the words…I didn’t even know how to begin my conversation with Him. I felt numb. What am I doing wrong, why does it seem like nothing is working out? Why am I cornered in by walls of rejection? It feels like the roof is caving in, and there is no escape, no window to jump out off, no door to open or break down. Why? I pray everyday, I declare daily your truths, I have faith and I think I trust you do what you say you will do. Ah! There it is, I ‘think’. Shouldn’t it just be a knowing? Trust, trust, trust, trust….I need to scream! Your word says to diligently seek you…you said to ask, seek and knock. I follow your instructions, yet I feel like I am going round and round in circles. Why? What am I not doing right? Where did I miss the mark? Please God, talk to me…if I have ever needed to hear your voice, it is now! I woke up to a ‘no’ today. I really wanted it. I prayed for it, I saw myself in it, I sowed a seed towards it…yet, I got a no…really? When do I get to have a testimony? I am tired of feeling uncertain about every step I take. Reveal to me your plans in plain sight. I am out of breath from chasing…no more…
In Hebrews 11, God called Abraham to leave his life of comfort by faith, to a land He will show him. He did, not meeting everything rosy. The word says he lived there by faith. Seems contradictory…if I am following God’s instructions, everything should be fine, buttttt noooooo, Abraham had to earn the name Father of faith….kaiiii I fear God ohhhh…..your light affliction is but for a moment but its producing a far greater glory in you. Stay strong, we are going somewhere.
I got this from a friend this morning. She had no idea about my internal battle, but somehow she heard my silent cries…unknowingly, her response to God’s spirit to reach out to me turned on the soldier in me….God used her to calm my spirit in the raging storm, well it was more like a war. Talk about a timely word, a reminder that my life is in His hands, and He is guarding it selfishly.
Life is not a dress rehearsal, meaning I don’t get to have a second stab at it. The very thought of that scares me sometimes, and this triggers an internal dialogue heavily laced with feelings of fear and failure. But in that moment, just when I am about to tip over the edge in frustration and despair, I receive a note from heaven, a reminder that….
God is not dead.